A Guide for Reunited Families: How to Recognize Emotional
Abuse
Many natural mothers who have reunited with their lost children
find that their children have been (or are being) emotionally abused
by their adoptive parents. This often takes the form of emotional
blackmail being used by adoptive parents in order to try to prevent
their adopted children from having a post-reunion relationship
with their natural families. The natural mothers who set up this
site observed serious emotional and psychological abuse in their
childrens' adoptive families. This article was written by adoptees
who have experienced this abuse.
Emotional abuse is used in order to control and manipulate, and
patterns of emotional abuse may pervade the parent-offspring relationship
for many years even after the "child" has become an adult.
Some adults may not realize that what they have experienced growing-up
as being abuse: they may see it as being a "normal" part
of raising a child. Most people know now that hitting a child with
a belt is abusive. But people may not be aware that constant yelling,
denigrating, and terrorizing also constitutes abuse.
What does emotional abuse commonly look like when an adoptee experiences
it?
- The adoptive parent yelling, terrorizing, slamming doors, etc
in order to keep the adoptee in a "state of fear"
- Giving the "cold shoulder" in order to pressure an
adoptee to do something such as cut off the reunion or end contact
with the natural parents
- Making comments that ensure that the adoptee feels guilty for
wanting to reunite, making contact with their natural family,
or having communications or visiting ther natural family (emotional
blackmail)
- Making sure that the adopted child knows that the adoptive parent
feels threatened by any relationship the adoptee might have with
the natural family
- Making negative comments about, or verbal attacks to, the adoptee
or his/her natural family
One very common type is emotional blackmail, where a parent threatens
to withhold love, affection, or approval in order to get what they
want. This is especially cruel to use on adoptees, who may have
serious issues with abandonment and rejection anwyay.
All families should be aware of emotional abuse and work to prevent
it from happening, or work to eliminate it from their personal family
dynamic if it is already present. Natural parents may have to keep
an eye open for signs of their child being emotionally abused and/or
controlled.
Excerpt from www.sa.agedrights.asn.au/prevent/forms_psych.html:
Psychological abuse is language or actions designed to
intimidate another person and is usually characterised by
a pattern of behaviour repeated over time, intended to maintain
a 'hold of fear' over the other person.
Emotional abuse can include:
- Emotional blackmail
- Intimidation
- Threats of restricting access to others
- Threats of punishment or abandonment
- Withdrawal of affection
- Denying the person their rights
- Humiliation
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- Blaming
- Name calling
- Insults
- Silence
- Shouting
- Coercing
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(Information in this section © Aged Rights Advocacy Service)
These are books on recovering from emotional abuse. If you
have found that your child is being abused by their adoptive parents,
then you may wish to suggest these in order to help your child
identify abuse, recover from it, stop letting it control your
relationship, and build a healthier relationship as well with
the adoptive family.
- Toxic
Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your
Life, by Susan Forward "... Her brisk, unreserved
guide to overcoming the stultifying agony of parental manipulation--from
power trips to guilt trips and all other killers of self worth--will
help deal with the pain of childhood and move beyond the frustrating
relationship patterns learned at home. "
- Emotional
Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation,
and Guilt to Manipulate You, by Susan Forward and Donna
Frazier ""If you really loved me..." "After
all I've done for you..." "How can you be so selfish..."
" Do any of the above sound familiar? They're all examples
of emotional blackmail, a powerful form of manipulation in which
people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what
they want."
- If
You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past
and Take Your Place in the World by Dan Neuharth".
Research shows that behaviors and traits exhibited by adult
children of controlling parents include the following: depression,
low self-esteem, distorted self-image, eating disorders and
other addictions, stress-related health problems, inability
to sustain an intimate relationship, and more. While this may
seem like a heavy lot to handle, Neuharth maintains there's
always hope of overcoming the past and changing yourself--even
if it means making the drastic move of cutting off contact with
one or both of your parents."
- An
Adult Child's Guide to What's Normal by John C. Friel Ph.D.,and
Linda D. Friel M.A. "A practical guide to begin
dealing with the pain and trauma of being raised in a dysfunctional
family."
- Adult
Children of Abusive Parents by Steven Farmer, MA, MFCC
- Stalking
the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity by Marie-France
Hirigoyen, Helen Marx, Thomas Moore "Claiming that
emotionally abusive relationships are widespread in marriages,
families and the workplace, French psychotherapist Hirigoyen
illuminates the subtle, insidious relationship that "emotional
abusers" and their "victims" evolve."
Online Resources:
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