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Adopting Children - Back?Comments from The First Fifty Survey ResponsesThese are some comments extracted from just the first 50 survey responses. Posted for discussion purposes here. Survey statistics have not been compiled yet but will be once enough responses come in! We're still waiting for more if possible! If you are a mother who has lost a child to adoption, please fill in the survey and email it to us. Thanks! __________________________________________ "I did none of the above, it was done for me by the "good" sheriff of Bell County, Texas"
"I was not given a choice in surrendering my child. I was never given any information that would have led me to believe I could have kept my child." " I had heard about welfare and asked my social worker about it. She shamed me and told me that I wouldn't want to raise my son as a "welfare mom" as we would be ridiculed and harassed by society. She kept asking if that's how I wanted my child raised; she said he would grow up hating me. She also told me that if I chose to go that route, I would have to pay for all my doctor bills, etc. I had no idea that my parent's health insurance already covered that."
" I feel that I did not have a choice, because I was not presented with all the alternatives to relinquishment. I had no idea that one could get financial help from the government. I knew nothing of welfare, ADC, food stamps - nothing. And no one told me about any of it either! I had dropped out of college when I found I was pregnant, and went to work for 3 months with the idea of keeping my daughter. I soon found out that I would not be able to afford rent, food, childcare and all the other expenses that accompany raising a child. Had I known anything of assistance, I would have kept her." " I had no choice - first I was a minor and my mother made all the decisions and arrangements, second no one ever gave me the option of raising my child, quite the opposite was true." " My parents made the decision for me. I felt pressured by just about everyone." " Yes I did have the final decision however I did not have easy access to information about assistance or the moral support to enable me to keep the baby." " I was not told my rights or given any choices by my parents or any adults. I was taken to and dumped at an adoption agency within hours of telling my parents I was pregnant - at eighth month." " No, I had no choice. My parents refused to help me. Yes, my parents pressured and forced me to give my baby up for adoption." " No. There was never a mention of financial help that would enable me to keep my son. I don't know if there was any at that time. I do know that maternity care was not available on dependents on a parent's health care plan." "Eight days after my son was born, he was stolen." " At the time I thought I was given a choice but of course everyone presented adoption as the intelligent and correct choice. I as not given any information about financial and social support. They wanted the baby, period. "
__________________________________________ " Yes, Catholic Charities of Philadelphia, PA." " It was decided for me by my parents, Doctor and social workers." " I was told the state of Texas could not take care of my children, unless I gave them permission so I signed the paper they gave me." " My mother told me should would not accept this child and the social workers of course were in favor of the adoption." " I was sent away to a maternity home so that I could continue my high school education. Once there, it was like divide and conquer. The social worker would not allow me to see family or friends except a day visit at Christmas. She told me my parents wanted me to relinquish and told my parents I wanted to relinquish. She then told all of us not to talk about it as it may be too upsetting for me. I didn't find out about this until 4 years into reunion; when my son was 25 years old."
" I was pressured by parents, social worker from agency who had me sign relinquishment papers in the recovery room while still under sedation, Booth Memorial Home for Unwed Mothers." " My parents were pressuring me to give him up so that my life wouldn't be ruined. The SW and others at the Florence Crittendon Home made me feel that I was selfish if I kept him." " Yes, absolutely -- by everyone. I was pressured first of all by
my parents (who were pressured by their minister). The church all but
disowned me and many of my friends did the same. In fact, I stopped going
to church because of all the hypocrisy there and how people who supposedly
loved and cared about me treated me when I was pregnant. The agency through
which my daughter was relinquished and the social worker that I was assigned
there did nothing more than repeatedly tell me I was doing the best thing
by giving up my daughter. I was not asked about how I felt nor was I given
any counselling. Everywhere I turned, I was met with resistance and was
made to feel very ashamed of what I had done. My parents were as bad as
everyone else and never gave me any choices. "I believe it was a combination of the CAS and my parents who were following their instruction, seeking their guidance. My parents believed in the system and assumed that what they were saying was the right and honest thing, they both trusted the government system. I was told that I was unfit to raise a child and that I would be selfish to keep my child. It was repeated over and over that it was an unselfish act to give my child to two parents who loved each other, had a home, and financial means. I was told I could not offer my child any of these things and we would both suffer because of it." " Not so much pressured as lied to. I was told my son would most likely look for me when he was about 16 with the understanding and help of his adoptive parents. I believed my caseworker knew about these things and gave me facts when of course as an adult it's plain for me to see there was no premise for her to tell me this other than to assure my concerns that I would meet my son again one day. She also told me they were keeping my son's name "Shane". I found out in September 2001 that his name was changed to "Jordan". For me the pressure was more subtle and in the form of lies, which wouldn't unfold for 18 yrs." " I felt pressure from society generally, and was told by both my ob and the lawyer (it was a private adoption) that if I REALLY loved my daughter I would "give" her to a two parent family. I was told that it would be utterly selfish of me to "keep her for myself," when she could have such a better life with a whole family." " No, i don't remember being pressured---but they never advised me of my rights as the natural mother either." _________________________________________ "Closed but I was told his name, his aparents name and even their address. Then I was told that if I EVER WENT NEAR HIM, I COULD BE JAILED! " I found out after reunion that the people who adopted him were best friends with the social worker. They resent that the agency told my son how to contact me after he turned 21. The social worker died many years ago, a spinster. " " It was a totally closed, private adoption. I only found out when I met the a-mother last year, that it was not final for a year. I had no idea! I believed that when I signed the papers and walked out of the courtroom, that I had surrendered all rights forever." "Although I said my adoption was "closed", it was semi-open for 6 years, when my son was 13-19. I had contact with his adoptive parents via the agency, sending letters anonymously. At age 19, all communication from them stopped. I have "found" him and sent letters directly to him, but with no response yet. I believe his aparents may be interfering with him receiving my letters." " Closed-I knew where he was and who adopted him (family member) but I'm still not allowed to have contact with him" ________________________________________ "No, his adoptive family 'forbids' him to contact me; told him that they are his only and 'real' family. He speaks to me if i call him, but never initiates contact - have only seen him once, and that was in the presence of his adoptive family." " We had a mother/adult child relationship for 4 years. I then moved closer to my son (partly at his request) and the amom flipped. She is very insecure and my son very loyal. He doesn't want to hurt her. Our relationship has been strained, however I was present and assisted inthe birth of both my grandkids, attend birthdays and Christmas Eve. My son has been staying at my home one night a week because of work so we've had some opportunities to talk. He still doesn't know all the circumstances around his relinquishment, but I plan to tell him. He has expressed his gratitude in my giving him space, and is now ready to work on improving our relationship. How that will look is still unknown, but at least it's a move in the right direction!"
"No, but am trying to get his adoption discharged." ____________________________________________ "YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" " The original relinquishment was illegal anyway since I was not of legal age to sign a legal paper; in reality, it would not be possible to overturn relinquishment, I could only adopt back since he has an adoptive family." " Frankly, I don't think I would be doing my daughter any favors by doing that. She has had the same parents for 32 years (29 without me) and I am learning to adjust to that and accept it. I would do it differently if I had it to do over again, but I would not attempt to disrupt her life in this way as it is. I can't even imagine she'd consent to such a thing." " I'm not sure. I'm really not. What I want is to regain his trust, and my own trust of myself. I want to hear him call me a mother. I don't yet know about the legalities." ____________________________________________ "No that relationship is too much a part of her life. I would like a legal recognition of our relationship as well" " ABSOLUTELY, BY GOD, YES! Can't imagine that will EVER happen - I presume a-parents would raise an uproar. And, our children would most probably have loyalty issues towards the a-parents too. If I could regain my legal status as her parent, I would do it in a minute!" "OF COURSE ... IT WOULD BE A DREAM COME TRUE." " I can't go back and change things from 33 years ago, I wish that I could at times, but my daughter would be against this also."
___________________________________________ " Yes. Absolutely. Our rights were violated when we relinquished and the least they could do is re-establish our rights in reunion. " " Wouldn't make a difference. I'm his mother, and nothing could ever change that fact." " Yes. I am his mother and I always will be. I believe I should be considered his 'legal Parent' as I will always be his parent genetically, in my heart and in the eyes of God." "ABSOLUTELY -- JUST THE THOUGHT MAKES ME CRY." " I guess it should be an option for those adoptees and birth parents who want to do it. I honestly don't like it though. Too many victims in this situation." " Not really, she is a very independent young lady and i think she would take offence to this and she would interpret it as somehow being disloyal to her adoptive family."
"Great idea!" "Yes, I would like to have that option. I would like to take the adoption back from adopter: just like I had no choice she would have that happen to her." " I would like to see that all adoptees have the option of being returned to their birthparents if they choose. I also believe adoptees should have rights to their families inheritance." "I think my son doesn't want to hurt adopter, and also she has a house that when she dies will go to his adopted brother and him. If she hasn't already taken him off the will for us being together. His abro is the good adoptee, doesn't want to search etc." " The morning after my daughter was born, I was given her original
birth certificate to fill out and sign. I put all the pertinent information
on it, signed it and gave it back to them. In my state of detachment,
I never asked for a copy -- and no one ever told me that it was my right
to have a copy AT THAT TIME.
"I would prefer to regard it as regaining my legal status as a parent, rather than overturning the relinquishment, or worse, adopting-back!!! Uuugghhh!!! It is an exciting concept though, and one i have not heard of before." "BIRTHMOTHER SEARCHING FOR BIRTHSON. > GAIL E. HART (DOTY): ISO SON: "It holds no interest for me at all. I can't imagine why anyone even thinks about this. I can see that my son is my son..it is in every inch of his physical being, in his sense of humor, in his writing style so like mine. I do not need a piece of paper to declare him my son. Nor do I need to wipe out his entire life with his adoptive family, which also had an impact on him, in order to feed my insecure ego." "I would really be interested in comments on this from reunited adoptees." " The biggest drawback for me . . . I don't know if I would even approach my son with this . . . we have a very close relationship, but I don't want to diminish his experiences at all or deny his past. This is a confusing topic, but one I think should be discussed on a national/world level." " Great idea!" " Don't see the point. I have no intentions of ever actually adopting back my own child. Adopting is a legal matter. Its what's in the heart that matters, not what is on some document." " This is an excellent idea - really first class. It takes so many things into account - the original coercion, how young most of us were, it validates us in legal as well as emotional ways." " I believed what I was told that he would be 'better off' with a financially secure married couple. I knew even then that it was not in my best interest but my feelings had to be second to ensuring future be 'more' than I could provide on my own. Sounds so cliché and I certainly don't buy the rhetoric now." " Adoption is a no win situation for everyone involved. What we want is our 'baby back' and what we get is an adult who was raised differently with different values and ideas. We cannot go back in time and undo all the damage that has been done to us and our children. We can only try to build a future together as adults." "When I found my son in 1987 and, together, we asked the court to correct his original birth certificate to include the name of his actual father who had provided an Affidavit of Paternity for the purpose -- the court refused because his father and I no longer exist in law since my son became a "legal fiction" via adoption. Attorneys I consulted asked why I don't just "adopt him back." I replied "Because we're not trying to change history with more lies and because I can never be his adopter--I'm his mother." And, of course, I believe adoption should be abolished. At the very least, the child should be legally emancipated from his adoption at legal age, just as all children are allowed to be legally emancipated from their parents at legal age, except in adoption which forever binds the child to adoption laws and the adoptive status." " If my son wanted it. AS far as I am concerned I HAVE him back in my life and am showing him by my actions that he is as much my son as my other children." " I would be more than willing to adopt back my child, but I don't think the adoptive parents would be that pleased." " I have a PC Attorney and it actually has a form for adult adoptions. I had mentioned it to my daughter, but nothing more was said. " " At the age of 15, a young underage girl, I signed relinquishment papers under duress. I was never given any legal or emotional counselling and have a difficult time trying to understand how this was legal.. Today my son and I share a loving relationship.. If I cannot be considered his legal mother what would I be? His illegal mother? In the state of California where I reside my son and I are unable to obtain a copy of his original birth certificate. This is completely wrong and denies both of us what we are entitled to. I question who the current laws are set up to protect? My son and I do not need protection from anything. We simply want back what we have been denied for over 32 years.. This would include the recognition that I am his legal parent." " I just want to find my child."
" I think all parties involved in wanting to adopt back really need to search their hearts and look at every angle. While for a select few this might work well, I'm afraid for most of us we cannot get back what we lost. I've lost 32 years of history with my child and since I never had it, I won't ever get it back. While I know that my daughter loves me, I also know that she has a "mom" and no matter how "natural" my relationship to her is or how "unnatural" the one is between her amom and her, it has been that way for 32 years and it is not going to go away. There just isn't any pat answer for the adoption solution! Too many variables." " If I had had any support in 1959, I would not have relinquished my child for adoption. If, when I married in 1961, I had known where my child was, I would have contacted the agency to get him back or at least have contacted his adoptive parents with the goal of establishing contact and information about his biological history and needs. If, at any time, in his childhood, his adoptive parents had contacted me to aid them in raising him, I would have welcomed them and him into my family. " " I am concerned about the emotional effect of this on all parties. Dependent on the conditions of the original relinquishment I would prefer a recognition of the birthparents that does not infringe on the recognition of the adoptive parents. Even if the adoptee has rejected his/her adoptive parents they still need to be recognized as the people who have been the guardians of this person through his/her developmental years." " It would be interesting to see how adoptees would fill out this survey. I think I'll print it off and give it to my son to read and think about. It could offer us some good talking points in our discussions."
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